What It’s Like To Be Every Age, According To Fictional Characters

I made this bonkers existential timeline inspired by a flower clock.

Jason Schwartzman
8 min readApr 27, 2022

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Photo by Alexey Savchenko on Unsplash

Through one rabbit hole or other, I recently discovered Carl Linnaeus’ notion of the horologium florae, or flower clock, which was based around the idea that different species of flowers opened at different times of day — sometimes at very precise times — and theoretically you could create a functional clock through an intricate spree of strategic plantings. Apparently, they are possible to achieve, but whether they are or not, I fell in love with the kookie ambition to do it at all. And it gave me my own frivolous but delightful idea…

Whenever we face a minor disappointment, my partner and I often jokingly quote Livia, Tony’s nihilistic mother in “The Sopranos” and say to each other with mock exasperation, “It’s all a big nothing!” I started thinking about other existential musings from favorite characters in TV and movies (most at least a little more upbeat than poor Livia!), and then came the idea of laying out the musings by age, as a kind of existential flower clock. I tend to be a gatherer of things people say in my work, and my book about strangers — No One You Know—is often a log of unexpected but insightful quips.

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Jason Schwartzman

Debut book NO ONE YOU KNOW out now from Outpost19 | Founding Editor, True.Ink | Twitter: @jdschwartzman | outpost19.com/NoOneYouKnow/